CAITLIN'S WAKE!

At the funeral home where Caitlin Harrigan's funeral is being held, Tyler kneels down before her corpse before rising and shaking hands with Sean and his wife Tipper.

"I'm sorry about your daughter," Tyler says.

"Thank you, Tyler," Sean says.  "Your being here means a lot to us."

"Tyler," Tipper replies, "thank you for coming.  I can't believe that Caitlin's ex-beau would do this to our baby."

"I know how you feel," Tyler says.  "We lost our daughter a while back, and my wife's got 2 different neurological disorders coming at her at the same time."

"How is she?" Tipper asks.

"She's taking it badly," Tyler says.

"Please give her our love," Sean says.

"I will," Tyler says.

After greeting the rest of the family, Tyler goes to the water cooler for a cold drink.  Meanwhile, one of Caitlin's friends is crying on a nearby chair.

"Are you okay?" Tyler asks her.

"No, I'm not!" the girl says.  "How could that asshole shoot her and cause all this?"

"How many friends did you..."  Tyler asks, but the girl interrupts.

"I don't want to talk  about it!  I was barred from my prom because I'd gotten into trouble with the police."

"Okay, I'll give you your space.  If you do need to talk, you can always call me at my house."

Tyler walks away with a grave feeling in his heart.  "It's nothing to do with me," he thinks.  "These kids have lost a lot of their friends."

Some of the other kids who've attended the funerals of their friends are waiting to visit the funeral home as he walks out.  He goes to visit his wife, but she doesn't want to see her today; it's not a good day.

Later, he walks into his usual joint, the Bar Stool.  The place is silent since the tragedy a week ago.  Most of the patrons are drinking beer without saying a word.

"What'll it be, Tyler?"

"The usual."

He gets his favorite bottle of beer while someone at the counter is talking about a sandwich on a bagel that he just bought.

"Is this sandwich fresh?"

"Fresh?" The counter man says.  Then he laughs and says, "No!  It's stale!"  Suddenly, his boss comes over and slaps him in the face, causing him to burst into tears.

"You're fired!" he says to him.  "Get out!  Don't even bother cleaning up your damn desk!"  He grabs him and pulls him through the bar before throwing him out.

"And stay out!" he says.  As he walks back to his office, he tells Tyler, "Hey, don't get upset with me.  He had it coming."

"I couldn't agree more," Tyler says with a smile.

"How's the Pigeon?"

"Not too hot.  The doctors wouldn't let me see her today."

"That's too bad."

HERE'S SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL(AGAIN)!

Okay, let's try this SCM Player thing again.  I put it up last night, but I don't think it worked out.
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3 A.M.!

"Monday on CBC! the announcer shouts.  "The event you've been waiting for all season long!  'Fumbled Follies!  The Jennifer Kirk Story!'  Starring Catherine O'Hara as Jennifer Kirk!  Laura Harris as Ann Hewson!  And introducing Dick Clifford as Mrs. Claus!  Check your local listings!"

Tyler's up at 3 a.m. flicking the channels, but he's surprised that a Canadian Broadcasting Corporation TV channel is showing up on his TV. 

"This is the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation serving the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island.  Our broadcast facilities are located in Moncton, Fredricton, St. John, Halifax, Sydney and Charlottetown, with cable and satellite carriage throughout the Maritimes.  These stations are now leaving the air, but CBC Radio One and Two continue all night.  Check your local listings for the frequency in your region.  We will resume broadcasting in 3 hours at 6 a.m. this morning with CBC Morning News, followed by Kids CBC at 7.  At 12 Noon, we'll have the Midday Report, followed by 12 continuous hours of the Olympic Games from Quito.  Good night."

He muses that it's an hour later-about 4 a.m.-in the Maritimes.  He watches "O Canada" being played by the Toronto Symphony Orchestra with scenes of various Canadian areas being shown. As the anthem ends, a photo of a bound and gagged woman appears on the screen while a funereal version of "God Save The Queen" is played.  

"This is disgusting!" Tyler snarls.  After the anthem ends, instead of the test pattern, an announcer says "The following is a paid program for..."

Click.  Tyler goes back to bed.  He turns on the radio and listens to a jazz station playing music by Brubeck.

Down the street, there's another 25 bodies being found in the charred ruins of the ballroom where the prom was held last week. 

A BAD PAIR OF COMMERCIALS!

As Tyler switches on one of the local Periwinkle Village channels, he finds a Portuguese channel doing a beer commercial.

"Festeja Com Heil Hitler!  A Cerveja Das Nazis Brasileras..."

He switches to another channel.

"If you will elect me as your next Governor, I will see to it that all the Jews are killed!  Also, I will see to it that all blacks are sent back to Africa..."

He switches the channel to ESPN's live coverage of the FIFA Champions League first round match between Baby Acorn of Japan and Shamrock Rovers of Ireland.  It's a boring match being played in the Dubai soccer stadium with rain following in torrents.

"Kubota's tripped over the ball," the commentator yells.  "He's split his head open!"  Suddenly, the screen goes blank.  After about 20 seconds, the picture shows a promo for "The Wedding Of Dan Cupid and Richard Clifford...Has Been Called Off."

Tyler switches off the TV and heads to bed.  But he can't sleep, so he goes back down to the TV and turns the game back on.  It's into stoppage time of the second half and there's still no score.  He switches to another channel to find an old MGM cartoon called "Peace On Earth."  But he catches just as the female squirrel sings "Sleep In Heavenly Peace" to her kids on Christmas Eve.

The title "Peace On Earth" appears with a sun rising in the heavens.  He switches back to the game.

"And there's the whistle," the commentator says as the referee blows his whistle.  "And the match is over.  With Eiji Kubota hurt in this match, who knows what will happen to Baby Acorn now?  It's 0-0 between them and Shamrock Rovers.  Stay tuned for Sports Center, which follows immediately." 

Tyler switches the channel to see an Asian woman dressed in a white blouse and a dark blue pleated skirt.  Her hands are tied behind her back and rope encircles her torso.
"Hello, you naughty boys out there," she says.  "Welcome to the Bondage Overnight, featuring the best in ladies all tied up and loving every minute of it.  Tonight, our first feature is called..."

He switches the channel to find the cast of Wacky Races singing the "Aloha" song.  He then turns the TV off again and goes back to bed.

Outside his house, someone yells "Sieg Heil!"  He pulls out a gun and shoots at him, but he dodges the bullets and disappears into the night.

To be continued...

PLUNGED INTO MOURNING!

The past 3 days have been a nervous wreck for the townspeople of Periwinkle Village.  69 high school students were killed on Friday night when a youth rode into the Rockland ballroom on Rte. 139 and started shooting at people before throwing a hand grenade into the roof.  It caused an electrical fire which spread like hell in a matter of minutes.  Over 150 others are injured. The Periwinkle Village school department has already cancelled graduation ceremonies, saying that the surviving grads will receive their diplomas by mail.
The first of several dozen funerals are taking place at several local churches, including St. John's Catholic Church on the beach and the First Baptist Church.  Funeral services are being said at other churches around the South Shore.  One of the churches in Plympton was unavailable for a service, since it had scheduled a same sex wedding with a lesbian couple doing a bondage ceremony.  Outside the church, the pastor had hung a banner over the door saying "We Rejoice in Equal Marriage."  Someone was so mad about it that he threw a rock with a couple of firecrackers attached to it.  The door was knocked down and the banner went up in flames.  Fortunately, no one was hurt.
Several burial services are scheduled on Tuesday with dozens of participants expected.  Next Friday, a memorial service is planned in Periwinkle Village Town Square.  There's a report that the Fourth of July celebrations will be cancelled, but nothing's come to pass.
Meanwhile, Tyler's wife is having trouble with the nurses in the nursing home.  She is so devastated with 2 neurological conditions going through her body and ravaging it.

CHRISTMAS EVE 1977!

On Christmas Eve 1977, WXNE-TV Channel 25 in Boston, Massachusetts(which was run by the CBN company in Virginia) was just signing off its broadcast day with a Christmas story and the national anthem.  15 seconds after the anthem ended, someone in a small house in Needham, near the Channel 25 transmitter turned on the lights in a private studio. He used a state of the art video system to break into the computer that ran its transmitter.

About 12:10 a.m., he pressed a button causing the system to light up.  Seconds later, TV sets that were still tuned to Channel 25 saw this come on the screen.

"SERVING METROPOLITAN BOSTON!  AND NEW ENGLAND!  FROM NEEDHAM HEIGHTS!  THIS IS WXNE-TV!  BLUE 25!"

The opening had been stolen from a tape of WUNR-AM's Super 16 program, which ran most of the night weeknights.

As the tape continued, its theme music was heard.

"Your hit music's on us!"

And then a female voice said-

"Blue 25!  Porn!"

He switched on his small video camera and started playing a weird jazz record.  At last, his face came up on the screen.

"Good morning, everyone," he said.  "Welcome to Blue 25 Porn. I'm your host Tyler Callahan. Instead of our usual erotic material-we're gonna forgo that this morning-we're gonna run some cartoons that celebrate the spirit of Christmas."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Is that Santa Claus I hear?" he asked.

The door was broken down and 3 Needham Police officers came into the studio and seized the host.

"Okay, asshole," one of the cops said.  "Let's go!  You're coming with us!"

The man argued with the cops, but they tore the studio apart and took him into the local police station.  He spent most of Christmas Eve in jail, until he was bailed out by his wife the next morning.

That man was Tyler Callahan, who lived in Needham at the time before he moved to Periwinkle Village.  However, the cops were unable to get an indictment on him.  He got off scott free, but he didn't try anything like that again!

THE HOSPITAL!

As Sean and Clark enter the hospital, they come across a poster of Roger Ebert, taken for the February 2010 issue of "Esquire," in which he uses text-to-speech software and chicken scratch to communicate his thoughts about life and death.  His jaw is missing and his face is sculptured like a plum.  On the poster, they see a thought balloon over his head saying "I can't talk anymore."  And then below his jaw, another thought balloon says "Cancer has robbed me of my voice."

And underneath the poster, written in bold black letters, is the tagline "Don't End Up Like Roger Ebert."  And under it it says, "Call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or visit http://www.smokefree.gov today.  Remember, you can quit."  After they pass the poster, someone walks along and tears it off the wall before tearing it in pieces.

"Fucking Ebert!" the man says.  "They're using that jerk to stop us smokers from enjoying what we love."

As he throws the poster into the trash, a janitor sitting nearby claps his hands and says, "Applause!  Applause!  Sieg Heil!"  The man comes over and belts him in the jaw, sending him straight on his back.

"Sieg Heil My Ass, motherfucker!" he says.  And he walks out of the building before anyone knows about the incident.  As he disappears into the night, we hear him saying this:

"We don't care
if you choke!
We got rights,
and we're gonna smoke!"

"Thank God you're here, Mr. Harrigan," the doctor, a 50 year old balding man says.  "Caitlin's ex-boyfriend rode in on his motorcycle and started shooting.  Your daughter was hit in the face 3 times before he went on to shoot some of the others."

"How is she?" Sean asks.

"We did all we could, Mr. Harrigan," the doctor says sadly.  "We lost her."

"Oh, my God!" Sean screams before breaking down and crying on the floor.  Clark walks to a nearby chair and collapses, crying with his hands in his face.  3 or 4 other families are being told about the deaths of their children.  More victims are coming in by the minute as the death and injury toll mounts.

Back at the Store, Prema has locked up and is walking down to her car when one of the cops comes over to see her.

"Prema, did you hear?"

"No.  What?"

"Caitlin Harrigan was killed by her ex-boyfriend at the prom this evening."

"You're kidding!"

"I'm not.  Some bastard came in and shot her and several others before taking off.  Some of his bullets caused the equipment to overheat and catch fire.  One of my men shot him as he was going down the street.  He got hit and crashed into the Pemex USA station just off Rte. 53.  The place's been totalled."

"Oh, my God."  Prema bows her head in sadness at the news.  "What about the rest of the gang?"

"Nearly 50 are dead, 110 are injured.  The fire exits were chained by the management, so they had to jump out windows to save themselves."

"What's happening to this town?"

"I don't know, Prema.  I just don't know."

By the time the morning papers come out, the death toll stands at 57, most of them high school students on the verge of graduation.  More than 110 more are injured, some of them with life threatening injuries.  As plans are made for the mass funerals, people across New England are asking what happened, how it happened, and why it happened.

Tyler, who's on his way to visit his wife in the nursing home, meets Marvin.

"Did you hear?" Marvin asks.

"No, what?" Tyler asks.

"Sean Harrigan's daughter's dead," Marvin says.  "She died at the prom last night."

"My God," Tyler replies. "How'd it happen?"

"Her ex-boyfriend burst into the prom on his cycle, shot at her and most of the other students before setting the place on fire."

Suddenly, the man who tore the poster at the hospital passes them by.  Marvin looks look suspiciously at him.

"What are you looking at me for?" he tells the two men.  "I didn't do anything.  I wasn't even near the high school last night."  And he walks away.

"We didn't say you did, buddy," Tyler says sarcastically.  "We were talking about someone else."

"Good."

To be continued...

LATER THAT EVENING.....

Tyler's been released from the hospital, but he's under doctor's orders to law low for the rest of the weekend.  Later that evening, he's watching news of the tragic fire at the high school when he decides to change the channel to one that's carrying a movie.  As the movie begins, a male choir sings:

"Fuck Hitler!
Proudly Presents A Film
By The Nutzi Party
In The U.S. And Canada!
Pro-duc-ed By Jaing Zemin!
Cre-at-ed By Raul Castro!
Dir-ect-ed By Hugo Sanchez!"

"What?" Tyler yells.  "A Nazi song sung to the 20th. Century Fox Fanfare?"  And he sees the listing in the TV section saying, "Hark!  The White Faced Angels Sing."  It goes on to say, "The First Nazi Movie Ever Filmed In America And Given An NC-17 Rating!"  The movie's about a group of unemployed Nazis running a plantation in modern day Georgia, where poor blacks are being used for experiments.  Tyler switches the channel back to the news.

"Well," the weather man says, "we can expect another depressing weekend of rain and cool weather with temperatures hovering near the 60s.  Some thunderstorms are expected later Saturday and Sunday as a hurricane is expected to hit Cape Cod on Sunday morning.  Hurricane Alex, the first named storm of the season is expected to hit the Cape this weekend, and that's why we've posted hurricane watches from Eastport, Maine to Plymouth, Massachusetts.  And a hurricane warning is posted from Plymouth, all through the Cape, clear down to Block Island, Rhode Island."

"You gotta be shitting me!" Tyler says.  "We're gonna get hit with a hurricane this early in the summer."

At that moment, Marvin Ellis appears at the door.  "Hey, Tyler," he asks him.

"What is it, Marvin?" Tyler replies.

"There was a fire over at the Rockland earlier tonight," Marvin says.

"I just watched it over on the news, Marv," Tyler says.  "What's the situation there?"

"Really bad," Marvin replies.  "About 45 kids are dead and a hundred more are injured.  And it's all because the big boss chained the fire exits.  Everyone had to break the windows and go out!"

"Well," Tyler replies.  "I've had a couple of bad days with my wife being taken to an assisted living facility and now those poor kids are probably meeting their maker.  I hope they died in the state of grace."

"I hope so, too," Marvin agrees.

Meanwhile, news of the fire has reached the national airwaves.  The networks cancel all late night shows to report on the fire and the tremendous loss of life.  The death toll rises from 45 to 62, many of them high school students.  When the firefighters are asked how high the toll might go, they banish the reporters from the scene.  A live picture appearing on TVs across America show the burnt out remains of the Rockland Ballroom and the numbers of injured partygoers outside the complex licking their wounds.

At the Periwinkle Village General Store, Sean Harrigan is closing the place down for the night when someone rushes in.

"Sean," the boy, an 18 year old lad, says.

"Is that you, Clark?" Sean says.  "I thought you were at the prom..."

"It's Caitlin," Clark says.

"What...?"  Then Sean realizes that his daughter Caitlin was going to the prom with him.

"She's in trouble," Clark says.  "Big trouble."

"What are you talking about?" Sean asks.

"There's no time for explanations," Clark says.  "You've got to come with me to the hospital.  Right now."

"Okay," Sean says.  Then he turns to Prema, a young Indian woman living in Duxbury, who's been helping run the store tonight, "Prema, I've got to go.  Something's wrong with Caitlin and I've got to find out about it.  Please lock up the store for me."

"Okay, Sean," Prema says.  She watches as Clark and Sean take off in his new Cadillac.  As the car speeds down the road, Prema prays that the girl will be all right.  Meanwhile, someone is coming into buy some cigarettes.

"What'll you have?" Prema asks.

"I'll have a box of Virginia Slims," the guy says.

"That's for ladies like me," Prema responds.

"Hell with you, then," the guy snarls.  He walks out without anything.  Meanwhile, Prema is swearing in Hindi.  Your guess at what she's saying is as good as mine.



To be continued...

BUT THERE'S MORE TO THAT!

But you know what? Periwinkle Beach's situation is about to go from worse to even worse.  That evening, Periwinkle High School is holding its annual prom in the Rockland Ballroom just off Rte. 139(it passes through the small community after you leave Marshfield and before you enter Duxbury).  Over 300 couples and guests are enjoying fine French cuisine, open soda bar and a return from Captain Fantastic and his Brown Dirt Cowboys.  The country rock orchestra had a very horrible premiere when they performed at a Homecoming Dance here in 1977 and were told never to grace Periwinkle Village again.

Since then, they've had more than 10 #1 records and nearly 30 singles.  Most of the crowd is ready for their performance tonight, which features selections from their new album "This Is Not What You Think."  As the dancing begins, someone bursts into the ballroom on his Harley Davidson bike and starts shooting at everyone.  Over a dozen kids get hit with bullets and several more are injured.  As he rides around the ballroom, someone takes a pot shot at him, but he stays on the bike and shoots him in the head.

As he collapses on the floor, the rider throws several smoke bombs into the crowd.  One of them hits the electrical set-up and causes a fire to develop.  As he rides out back onto the street, a pair of cops shoot him and cause him to crash into a nearby gas station-which explodes into flames almost immediately.

Meanwhile, a panic has developed inside the ballrooom.  Everyone tries to flee, but the fire exits have been chained shut.  That starts a panic as they break open windows and escape into the dark of the night.  By the time the fire trucks from Beltsville, Marshfield, Periwinkle Village, Duxbury and Kingston arrive on the scene, the entire building is in flames.

Marvin Ellis, who's on his late evening walk, looks at the horror enveloping the building and runs into the dangerous edifice to help kids to get away to safety.  It takes nearly 5 hours to put the fire out.  By the time it's all over, 46 students are dead and more than 100 have been injured. As one of the first responders helps a couple who've been critically injured, he asks him, "Why the devil did they chain the fire exits?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, man," he replies.

Marvin walks away and says, "As if I didn't have enough to worry about.  Now this is gonna take the cake!"

ANOTHER DAY OF DEPRESSION!

Meanwhile on the other side of the beach, there's a General Store advertising "PRICE BREAK!  CIGARETTES!  PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES TORN IN SHREDS!"  And someone is being thrown out of the store.

"Don't let me catch you in here again!  You're barred!"

As he walks out, he pulls a gun and shoots the storeowner.  Meanwhile, a cop who was in the store yells, "Freeze!  Freeze!"  The guy who was thrown out shoots at the cop, but he dodges a bullet and fires several shots into the kid.  He's pronounced dead at the scene.

Later, in an interview on the local cable access TV channel, the cop explains that the kid was playing with his private parts while looking at a pornographic magazine.

"I've already gotten beef from the kid's parents," the cop admits, "but what else can you do?  You do something inappropriate and you get thrown out.  You shoot at the guy who owns the joint and you get killed.  It's as simple as that; you do what you gotta do."

The next morning, the headlines read that the storeowner was a Mafia boss using the store as a front for illegal gambling and drug selling activities.  Well, it serves the owner right for trying to use his store to commit crime.

But it also serves the kid right.  He should never have done something like that in the first place.  And now, the parents have to bury the kid.

Another depressing day, eh?  Especially as Tyler sits down in his house and writes his memoirs about working and getting fired.

"I don't know where to begin," he begins writing on his Macbook, "but I've never had a liking to the summer people who crowd into Periwinkle Village and make every weekend a Bacchanalia from Hell.  And I'm really suffering personally, since my wife Veronica, the Queen of my heart, has been taken away to an assisted living facility.  She's the only one who's ever loved me and understood me; my father died kicking and screaming in the jail house after he killed Mom in a fit of rage one night."

Meanwhile, at a house on John Alden Lane...

"Are you going to rape me, Miss Yumiko?" a young lady asks in a quivering voice as her hands are being tied behind her back.

"No, I'm not," her boss, a more mature lady, reassures her.  They're both dressed in matching skirt suits with different blouses on-the mature lady's wearing a white blouse while her captive is wearing a red one.  "I just want to play an escape artist game with you."

Yumiko Chiba is playing a tie-up game with her secretary Mary Ann Fagundes. In addition to being the office manager for the Periwinkle Village public works department, she's also a magician who entertains corporate and private functions through the year.  She's trying to train Mary Ann in the basics of escapology.  Mary Ann winces as her elbows are fastened behind her back before she's brought to a nearby chair.

"I want to see if you can escape out of a chair within an hour or two," Yumiko says.  "If you do, I'll buy you a new outfit for the show we're doing next week."  She sits her down and fastens her knees and ankles together before tying her torso to the chair.

"Okay," she says.  "Now start figuring out an escape."

"You got it," Mary Ann says as she begins squirming.

"Oh," Yumiko says.  "One more thing."  She pulls out a white kerchief and stuffs it into her mouth before tying it behind her heck.  "Now, let's see you get outta that."

"Don't worry," Mary Ann says in a muffled voice.  "I will."  And with that, she resumes her struggle.  As she squirms, she hikes her skirt up her legs, but Yumiko pulls it down.

"We don't want to give anybody the wrong idea," she reminds her.  Mary Ann nods and squirms away. 

To be continued...

FROM BAD TO WORSE!

Later that morning, at the Periwinkle Village General Store, the customers are shocked to see a video of the exchange that took place a few days earlier between Tyler and the biker.

"The fact that several summer residents took some abuse from Mr. Callahan is of great concern to us all," says the narrator, "especially when he chewed out a mentally retarded couple from Connecticut  who were visiting their parents this weekend."

And what do you know? Tyler is making the 'rounds around town and he's walking into the store.

"Hey, Callahan," the counterman says.  "What's this about you making snide remarks to the vacationers?"

"It's very simple!" he replies.  "Every year for 18 weeks, people come into town and turn this into a mess!"

"That's no excuse!" the counterman shouts.

"Don't take it out on me, Sean," Tyler tells the counterman.  "Take it out on that fucking bastard and the dicks at the doctor's office."

"Oh, great," Sean Harrigan, the the guy who runs the General Store, says.  "You shouldn't be cussing them out; they're doing you a public service."

"Well, those bimbos at the nursing home took my wife out yesterday," Tyler continues, "against my own wishes.  You can blame my brother Gene for that!"

"And I heard that you hit a Chinese woman in the jaw," Sean retorts.  "Why'd you do that?"

"I wasn't trying to hit her," Tyler responds, "I was trying to hit Gene.  It was his idea, which I was against from the start.  I can take care of her with my own devices."

Suddenly, that Chinese woman he threw the rock at yesterday comes into the market and throws the same rock at him.  This time, she's dressed in a white blouse and a pleated red skirt.

"You bastard!" she shouts.  "You had no right to do that!"  The rock hits him in the stomach and causes him to collapse to the floor.

"I can't breathe!" Tyler yells.  "I can't breathe!"

"That's it, Miss Liu," Sean yells.  "You're getting busted!  Someone call the cops!"

Miss Liu tries to escape, but 2 of the customers throw her down and tie her up, while the counterman calls for the cops and an ambulance.

"You bullies!" Miss Liu yells. "Why are you taking it out on me?  He should be the one who should be tied up, not me!"

"And you, miss, had no right hitting him like that.," Sean yells.  This dismays her and causes her to spit in his face.  The counterman tries to take a pot shot at her, but another customer yanks him away. She screams at the top of her lungs, but someone stuffs a scarf into her mouth to shut her up. Meanwhile, Tyler has managed to get his breathing under control.  Seconds later, the cops arrest Miss Liu and take her away while Tyler is taken out on a stretcher and whisked away to the hospital.

Meanwhile, the TV is on a commercial:

"Sing praise for Pampers!
Sing praise for Pampers!
Sing praise for Pampers!
Sing praise for Pampers!
Pampers."

And then the announcer says sweetly:

"Pampers!  The best friend a baby ever had."

Suddenly, a man dressed as Dan Cupid bursts out of the screen.  His mood is angry and stern.  As his face comes to the screen, it hits it head on, causing it to break into pieces.   Blood gushes out of his face, staining the already broken screen.  To the viewers' horror, the face descends down the screen, making it bloodier than before.

And worse of all, the screen explodes while the man dressed as Cupid plunges to his doom.  The screen goes black and the newscaster comes back on.

"Sorry about that, folks," he smiles.  "The asshole who's running the commercial deck here in the studio today has been sacked."


On the way to the hospital, Tyler suffers a mild heart attack.  He is quickly rushed into surgery, but he comes out of it all right.  Meanwhile, Miss Liu is being booked at the Periwinkle Village police station on charges of assault with intention to murder.  She ends up making her $1,000 bail and is out free by the time Tyler's moved into the ICU at the hospital.

Back at her aunt's house, Miss Liu is still tied up; the cops releasing her have told her not to untie her for the night. She is ungagged but remains bound. As she sits down, she bows her head saying, "I accept full responsibility."

"And well you should, Quiquoi," her aunt responds.  "There's no excuse for your outburst.  You're not in China anymore; you're in America.  You're not in the Army anymore, you know.  Even so, the jerks at the store should not have tied you up like that."

"I beg your forgiveness, Aunt," Miss Liu says.

"And that you shall have," her aunt says, hugging her.  "I'm sorry I have to leave you tied up like this."

"You are not to blame.  I am and must learn from it."

"Even so," her aunt adds, "that man should never have thrown that rock into your jaw in the first place.  I promise you will have satisfaction."


To be continued...

THE FUNERAL!

The next morning, the rain and the humidity have passed as the Callahan couple welcome those who are at the Baptist Church. Both the Callahans had been brought up Catholic, but they fell away from the Church and are now Baptists. It's amazing that most of the family only go to church around Christmas and Easter. But when they learned 4 years ago that their daughter Anna had joined Rainbow Girls, they were flabbergasted.

"I don't know why you join a secret society like that," Veronica told her daughter before she went to the Lodge for her initiation.

"Look, Mom," Anna told her, "all the ministers and their families belong to the Masonic lodge, and Rainbow is full of some of their daughters. I might be able to change the world for the better."

"I forbid you from joining that place," Tyler told her.

"It's my life, and you don't order me around!" Anna shouted as she stormed out.

"Forget about coming back!" Tyler screamed as she stormed out.

Now, she's dead, and Tyler and Veronica are wondering what they did wrong.

"What did we do to deserve this, Tyler?" Veronica asks him.

"I don't know," Tyler replies.

After the hour visitation, Anna's assembly holds a Rainbow funeral service which lasts about 45 minutes, followed by the funeral of the church, which lasts for about an hour. The presider, who's the worshipful master of the lodge, speaks about Anna's committment to changing the world for the better.

"Despite all the problems she had with the family," Rev. John E. Thomas, the senior minister of the church, says, "Anna was a person who believed in others. Jesus told us that we're not meant to be selfish. We're meant to be loving and selfless in all we do. I remember the night when the Worthy Advisor of the..."

"Yeah," someone in the congregation stands up. "Wasn't that the night Corrine got herself shot?"

"Charlie, is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me." Then he starts shouting, "That's what happens to people who join a lodge. They get themselves in hellfire eventually. You know..."

"Shut up, Charlie! Where were you last night for the Master Mason degree?"

"Didn't you get my petition for withdrawal?"

"Yeah, I did, and you shouldn't..."

"You may not know this," Charlie shouts, "but this man's a Devil worshipper! I left the Masonic Lodge because it's part of the New World Order set-up! This whole church is full of 'em! I'm glad I got out of the Lodge and I'm demanding that this dickhead step down as Pastor! And all of the hierarchy in this..."

"How dare you!" Rev. John shouts. "Get out!"

"This is what's happening, folks!" Charlie shouts. "These men are serviing a demon god during the week and the Lord on Sunday! But who are they praying to? I'll tell you who they're praying to! They're playing to Satan, Hitler and the Ayatullah Khomeini!"

"Listen, you piece of shit!" Rev. John snaps. "You get outta here or I'll have you arrested!"

"I'll get out," Charlie snarls, "but I warn you: you'll be joining that bitch in Hell if you don't come out!"  And then he says to the congregation, "This church is a witches coven and you're all a bunch of devil worshippers!"

"That's enough!" Rev. John shouts as he charges down the aisle before Charlie takes off.  "Don't you ever come in here again, you son of a bitch!  Because if you do, I'll cut your balls off and leave your fucking corpse bleeding to death!"

"Bullshit!" Charlie screams.  "Fuck you and your whole Masonic order!  And you can take your Lambskin apron and stick up up your ass!"

Several people, many in tears, get up and leave the funeral. It takes 20 minutes before Rev. John can go on, but he manages to get the job done.

After that, the body is taken to the local cemetery for burial.

The sun is finally coming out as the after funeral gathering takes place at the Callahans' home. People are enjoying the food and having some conversation that takes their minds off of what's happened.

"Veronica," one of the Callahans' neighbors says, "my heart breaks for you after hearing that you've got 2 different..."

"Don't feel sorry for me, Nora," Veronica smiles, "feel sorry for my doctors. They don't know what they're talking about anyway."

"Hey, Tyler," one of the pallbearers, a brunette named Kelly, says to him, "I heard that a Filippino couple bought out the Sweet Shop."

"That's not true," Tyler replies. "I heard that a pair of Indians were buying the shop."

"They're just the owners," Kelly says. "Whenever they buy a store or something, they hire people outside of the family."

"You're kidding!" Veronica says.

"No, I'm not," Kelly says. "In fact," she smiles, "I'm gonna walk down and give them some of my biz!" And she strolls out.

As Kelly walks into the Sweet Shop, the TV is on with a startling announcement.

"It started as friendly competition in Marshvegas," the announcer intoned. "Two different groups trying to upstage each other."

"What's happened to the penny candy?" Kelly asks.

"We had to jack up the prices," the lady behind the counter, a lady from Cebu, replies. "It's now starting at 25 cents."

"You're shitting me!" Kelly says.

Meanwhile, the TV goes on saying, "Now, everybody is at each other's throat."

"You know the economy the way it is," the lady continues.

"This is a ripoff," Kelly responds.

"Caffeine Free Diet Coke brings you WWE Summerslam!" the announcer shouts. "The Tooting Tootsies versus the Fireflies! Coming soon to pay per view."

After that's done, a Mandarin announcer extols the virtue of eating at a local Chinese buffet in Hanover. Meanwhile, Kelly decides to pick some sour balls, a couple of Tootsie Rolls and a few moon pies.

"$4.50 please," the lady says.

Kelly hands her a $5 bill and says, "Keep The Change," after which she walks out. The counter lady mutters something in Tagalog that is untranslatable.  Meanwhile, another TV announcer says, "The Weisenheimer Company, the exclusive US distributors of Screw Hitler!, Paul Revere, Nanu Nanu!, Chairman Mao, Shazbot!,  and Dan Cupid Beers presents News And Propaganda from the People's Republic of China."

Suddenly, a Chinese newscaster appears on the screen and shouts out reports from the PRC on the CCP's President getting kicked in the nuts in a biscuit factory near the Tibetan border.

The next day, against Tyler's angry rantings, Veronica is put into an ambulance for a trip to the local assisted living facility.

"You mother fucking creeps!" Tyler shouts.  "I can take care of her by myself."

"No, you can't," his brother Gene says.  "You can't help a woman who's suffering from 2 neurological disorders at the same time."

"I'm not taking this lying down!" Tyler retorts.

"You'll suck this up and like it!" Gene shouts back.

"Fuck, No!" Tyler screams.  "I won't suck it up, and I won't like it!"

"Don't make me have your head cut off!" Gene snarls.

"Let go of me!" Veronica yells.  "This is my home!  I want to stay here!"

"You can't stay here, Veronica!" one of the nurses says.

"This is my home!" Veronica yells.  "You can't do this!  This is my life!  This is my family!"

"You have to come, Veronica," the nurse says.  "It's better this way.  If you stay here, you'll end up becoming a vegetable."

"I don't give a damn!" Veronica replies, bursting into tears.  "Tyler, please help me!"

"I'm sorry, dear," Tyler says helplessly, himself crying.  "I'll be up to visit you later today."

"Tyler!" Veronica screams as the ambulance door is closed and the vehicle pulls out.

"Gene, I'll kill you!" Tyler shouts at his brother.  He throws a rock towards him and bolts back into the house.  Gene ducks and the rock hits a Chinese woman in the jaw.  The woman dressed in black slacks and a red shirt flies over the lawn of a nearby house and collapses in sobbing.  Gene runs over and tries to help her, but the woman pushes him aside and runs away.

"You bastard!" Gene screams as Tyler closes the door.  "You treat people like dogs!"

Tyler opens the door and screams, "They are dogs!"  And then he slams the door shut again!


To be continued....

AT SIGN-OFF TIME....

Now, it's several hours later.  1 o'clock in the morning, to be exact.  As Tyler sits down to plan the next day's activities, he's watching a 15 minute sign-off feature on the local TV show featuring the animated "Wacky Races" crew(minus Dick Dastardly) singing lullabies to all the viewers who are still awake at this hour.

"Summer nonsense!" Tyler snarls. "Sucking nonsense with cartoon characters singing lullabies when every kid in the block is asleep." He switches the channel to see another TV station showing bondage films all night.

"Welcome to Bound and Gagged Theater," the announcer booms. "Tonight, we present Lesbians In Bondage starring Betsy Belle and Tempest Blue. After that, we'll present Galaxy Blue Tied To The Railroad Tracks. It's coming up next, so stay tuned."

He switches back to the station that's carrying the Wacky Racers being chased out of their studio by Dick Dastardly's new bulldozer.

"Well, Muttley," he tells his canine cohort, "we've finally got the studio to our own."

Suddenly, the roof falls upon them and covers them. After 5 seconds, Dick kicks the door out and walks out shaken. "Drat! Double drat!" he says.

As the picture fades to black, we can hear Muttley laughing. Then the TV station logo comes on as the announcer says, "It's time for us to leave the air now. We'll be back this morning at 6 a.m., so don't forget to join us then. This is WDNK-DT channel 28.1 in Periwinkle Village, Massachusetts. See ya tomorrow."

Then Jim Reeves is heard singing "The Night Watch." Tyler turns it off and goes up to check on his wife.  She's dozed off, so he gets ready to hit the sack himself when suddenly a hissing sound is heard and a liquid stain appears on the blankets.

"Oh, great!" Tyler shouts.  "She's lost her bladder!"

Veronica wakes up and sees what has happened, after which she screams at the top of her lungs.

"Don't get excited, Veronica," Tyler says.  "Just don't get excited, please."  It takes nearly 2 hours to get her bathed and dressed again.  Also, he has to change the sheets and get on fresh bed clothes.  By the time he's finally ready to hit the hay, it's almost 3 a.m.  And that doesn't leave them much time for sleep; they've got to be back up in 3 hours to prepare for their daughter's funeral.

Such is the situation of spouses who are fighting conflicting neurological disorders.  As Tyler finally falls asleep, he thinks to himself, "Sheesh!  What's next?"
At the same time Tyler finds Veronica having the wetting accident, down the street at an old storefront, which has been turned into a local pirate radio station, a young man is speaking into his microphone as his record is ending.
"And that's the final tune of the night," he says.  "I hope you liked it.  I'd love to be able to say that we're ahead of much more merriment, but at this time JERK-FM leaves the air.  This station is owned and operated by the Mucus Connection and operates on various frequencies without FCC approval.  Our business offices, studios and transmitters are on Seagull Road in Periwinkle Village.  We'll be back on the air in the morning with our Breakfast Jam, so please look for us by scanning your dial settings.  Good night to all of you."

As he puts on the National Anthem of the People's Republic of China, he hears a knock at the door.

The man gets up and opens the door, seeing a black man with a gun in his hand.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

The man replies by shooting him 3 times in the stomach and leaving him to bleed to death.

"Serves you right for calling me Fasto, honkey!" he snarls before disappearing into the night.  But he doesn't get far; he gets hit by a State Police cruiser near the beach.  He's pronounced dead at the scene.  The man he shot is taken to the hospital, where he's rushed into emergency surgery.  He survives, but just barely.

To be continued...

DOES THIS STORY SOUND FAMILIAR?

Hey, does the start of the following story sound familiar to you?  In some ways it does, but it really doesn't, you know.

"Blasted summer time again," a cranky 40-something man snarls as he walks through the town center of Periwinkle Village, Massachusetts, a village located on the South side of America's hometown of Plymouth. "It's the same old thing every year. Out-of-towers invading our turf, people throwing trash all over the beach, motorcycles speeding down the street, people getting drunk and playing beer pong, and they have the nerve me to expect me to be a welcome wagon for this scum! Bah, humbug!"

"Happy Memorial Day, sir," a 65-year-old motorcyclist shouts to him.

"BAH, HUMBUG!" the crank shouts back.

Yeah, it's cranky old Tyler Callahan. He just got laid off from a big 6 accounting firm a few days ago. It was nothing to reflect on his performance; he was the junior partner of the firm when he and 500 other people were told that a Japanese bank-whose name I won't mention-had bought them out and were asking the head office to reduce its working staff. As he and the others left that day, many of them were in tears; to many of them, this had been their only source of income. Now he and his fellow employees are out of a job.

On this Memorial Day afternoon, people are hitting the road and headed for home after the long holiday weekend. It's been a humid, rainy day and the vacationers are hot-tailing it out of town early. Many are going back to Boston, Providence, Worcester, New York, Canada...you name it, they come from all over. And now, Tyler is facing a summer without work. Worse, his wife's been diagnosed with  both Lou Gherig's Disease and Alzheimer's disease(and she's only 35 years old). This means that her physical and mental capacities are going to be destroyed within the next few years.

His only child, Anna, a college freshman at the University of Colorado was killed in a tragic car accident this past week in Denver. She'd been driving out to a Colorado Rockies game with two of her girl friends when 2 minivans crashed into hers-one head on, the other in the back. She was pronounced dead the scene; her friends were seriously injured. Both of them ended up being paralyzed from the neck down; one of them also had her larnyx crushed. The doctors had to remove it in order to keep her from death by suffocation.

The funeral is scheduled to take place tomorrow at the local Congregational Church on Adolf Hitler Road. There is to be a wake at 10 a.m., a Rainbow Girls service at 11 a.m. and a funeral at 12 Noon. The internment will take place in a church yard somewhere in Kingston, followed by a gathering at Tyler's house. Over the past weekend, people have been visiting the couple and giving them comfort.

Earlier today, Tyler and his wife Veronica met the body at T.F. Green Airport in Providence. It was a tough and heart-rending necessity that had to be done. It was decided that there would be no formal visiting hours; the visitation would take place at the church in the morning. As he and his wife arrived home, the neighbors all comforted them.

Now, as he returns to his house on John Alden Lane, his brother Gene meets him at the door.

"Tyler," Gene says, "we have to talk."

"I'm sorry," Tyler says. "I'm just disturbed by these summer people who come down every summer."

"Me, too," Gene says. "Anyway, it's about Veronica."

"What about her?" Tyler asks.

"I know that her having ALS is bad," Gene says, "but with that Alzheimer's kicking in first, her mental capacity has gone down a lot in the past couple of weeks."

"Look," Tyler says, "I can take care of her..."

"That's the trouble," Gene interrupts him. "This disease is very bad. And it's going to get worse, especially with having a muscle wasting disease. Normally, when one has ALS, his or her mind is left intact, but when one has Alzheimer's disease, the mind is destroyed while the physical part is left intact. But with both of these diseases at the same time, there's no option whatsoever."

"What are you saying?"

"We need to put Veronica in an assisted living facility..."

"Fuck, no! I can take care of her here at home."

"That won't be possible."

"Don't you know how much it costs for a nursing home?"

"That's why I am suggesting that she go to an assisted living facility here in town."

"We can't discuss this until after the funeral."

"Okay." Gene pauses, then says, "And here's another thing. Mrs. Cullhane was taken away in an ambulance last night."

"WHAT?"

"She was talking with her daughter Kelly at her candy shop when someone shot a bullet through the window. It hit her in the neck and sent her sprawling to the floor. Kelly called the cops and they picked up the suspect at the beach early this morning."

"So is Kelly gonna take over the shop?"

"No, because Mrs. Cullhane didn't have any insurance on the shop, so Kelly's had to sell it."

"Who's gonna buy it?"

"That's what I'm worried about-it's a pair of guys from India."

"Oh, no! They've bought out the liquor stores and gas stations between here and Quincy. Now they want to take over the sweet shop."

"That's right."

"I think you should speak to Kelly before she goes ahead with it."

"I will."

Meanwhile, a young girl dressed in a white blouse and a dark blue miniskirt walks past their house. "Hello, guys," she says. "Happy summer!"

"Eat shit!" Tyler says.

"Oh, is that so?" the lady shouts as she charges towards him, but Gene stops her.

"His daughter was killed in Colorado this past week," he reminds her. "You'd best give him some space."

"All right," she says as she walks away. But she mutters angrily to herself, "That fuckin' bastard will pay for this."

Caitlin Niles doesn't like grumps who shoot off their guff.  Especially when she passes Tyler on the streets.  Ever since he got laid off, he's been getting himself into trouble.  And with no good paying jobs here on the South Shore, she's worried that he'll take his anger out on everyone.  As she walks towards home, a man dressed in knight's armor passes her and shouts, "Out of my sight, thou Satan!  For thou art of thy father the Devil!"

"To hell with the Devil, buddy!" Caitlin shouts.  "And to hell with you, too!"

"How dare you!" the knight shouts, but he decides to walk away.  "Well, to hell with you, too!" he retorts.

A few minutes later, he's run over by a Home Depot truck.

To be continued....